You are right, you are wrong; you are neither all along.
Sometimes pained, sometimes quelled; feeling either feels compelled.
I am alive, I am not dead; but if I was, what is said?
One plus one, plus one is three; with no logic, I am free.
Category Archives: Writings
Slightly Euphoric
I try to use words to encompass meaning. To better describe, I use more words. Sometimes I try to find the one word that would encompass all meaning. What would that word be? OM? Maybe, if I was a Hindu. So here we are again, describing the same uncertainty that a relativist view will always but unfortunately lead to. Yet here in the hopelessness of the problem, perhaps there is an answer. Not so much a “truth” that I can know is right. This answer is a different, more euphoric answer. I know it not. But as I reflect on it, I smile and I write. The moment will be fleeting. For as each blog post begins, surely it ends. My euphoria just like my pain; only temporary. But if I really knew this, I would know a “truth”. And as I said, I bear no truths… only an answer.
I am just a glider in Conway’s Game of Life.
On Marrying a Chinese Woman
In the summer of 2006, I went on a Study Abroad Program in China which changed the course of my life. The first Friday night of my stay at Ren Min University, I was casually walking the school grounds when I came across a square where many people noisily conversed. As I approached, I realized everyone was speaking English. It turned out to be a weekly event called English Corner, a time when people would come and practice speaking English with each other. Naturally a laowai like myself drew a big crowd. I felt like a celebrity with all the students gathered around me asking me questions. After several minutes, I noticed a beautiful girl in the back who was listening and not asking many questions. I felt bold so I started talking to her. Our conversation went something to the effect of, “Hi, what’s your name?”
“My name is Sea Eagle. My English teacher suggested Heidi but I thought that was too old fashioned so I translated my name by myself.”
“Oh… Sea Eagle… That is an interesting name.”
We kept talking for another hour and exchanged email addresses. Then she left and I scolded myself for not offering to walk her home or asking for her phone number. Fate was on my side because she returned to tell me that she could not read my handwriting. Having been given the second chance, I then offered to walk her home. And the rest is history.
The real purpose of this blog post actually is to describe my thoughts and lessons learned on international relationships. This post is based on my own experiences married to a Chinese woman. It in no way reflects every international relationship.
Firstly I think that I was predisposed to seek love in a foreign land. I am attracted to difference. Different appearance, different culture, different language, all of these aspects intrigue and excite me. I also think that such a kind of love is a positive and important influence on humanity because it brings communities closer.
While differences can be exciting and provide a great impulse during the formation of an international relationship, they become challenging as you grow more accustomed to each other. As an example, in China serving food to guests is simply good manners. With my own family, however, this is never done. I don’t know if other American families do this but we don’t. It’s not that we don’t care about guests. We just trust that they will serve themselves whatever food they want to eat. So when I am eating food with my family in China, I am uncomfortable being served. Sometimes I will try to tell people I don’t want any more, “bu yao xie xie,”. I do it even when I am not full because I prefer to serve myself. This is just one example where cultural differences can be uncomfortable or lead to disagreements. Other examples include what is acceptable humor, gift giving customs, and child rearing.
Another aspect of international relationships that is difficult is the distance. You spend months only able to communicate on the computer or over the phone. When your unhappy, you can’t feel each other which makes comforting each other especially hard. My wife equated it to tending a fire. When you are close, the fire burns very hot. When you are apart, it cools down and only the glowing embers remain.
My advice on surviving the dangerous long distance phase of the relationship is to always have a plan about the next time you are going to see each other as well as how you eventually be together. Having a plan can reduce the inevitable feelings of worry, hopelessness and loneliness which shake your resolve. My wife and I endured more than five years living in different countries. Having plans was what kept us going.
A more subtle problem with the long distance is that you never really get to experience what life with the other person is like. You grow comfortable in having autonomy while also having that warm feeling that someone in the world cares about you. When you finally are living together, married life can be an abrupt end to that autonomy.
Finally, there are a lot of negative stereotypes that can impact an international relationship. In my case, I am a white man and my wife is an Asian woman. There is a bias that white men seek Asian women for exotic pleasure (the dragon lady) or because they are submissive (the china doll). Sadly I have met many such men in my travels. At the same time, Asian women are seen as seeking nothing more than wealth from their relationships with foreigners. My wife was accused of as much by a United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) agent during her first interview for a visa to come to the United States.
International relationships have their up’s and down’s just like any other relationship. If you can navigate the cultural differences and the hard logistics questions, international relationships can be immensely rewarding and will expand your horizons. My wife and I have known each other for seven years now and been married for three. One year ago, our lives were blessed with a little baby boy. I hope our little family can be healthy and strong for the rest of our lives. I wish the same thing for everyone.
More of the Sies
This post will elaborate more on the world of Sies. We will look at some of the minor characters who figure into the story and provide a little background on them. First up is the Ergonoid Spearsman, a guardian of a nomadic group of people who shun all outsiders, happy and angry alike. Ergonoids are an aquatic people spending half their lives on land and half their lives in the sea. They make their temples at a depth of fifty meters which they free-dive to in order to observe their rituals. A master of the trident and other polearms, the Ergonoid Spearsman can easily dispatch a foe with his weapon on land and in water. On the spectrum of happy and angry, the Ergonoids are neutral. The Ergonoid Spearsman’s emoticon is B|.
Salazar the Lonely Hermit was once a happy lord whose lands consistently brought plentiful harvests. One day the Angries blighted his lands and Salazar lost his favorite flowers. Although the Happies restored his land to its original bountiful nature, Salazar still mourned his favorite flowers that were lost. Unable to become happy again, Salazar retreated into the mountains to mope in solitude. On moonlit nights, he emerges from his cave to cry soulfully while he watches the night sky. Salazar was designed by Ryan Herriman, one of the first Siesians. The emoticon of Salazar is u_u.
Dub Dub the Warrior of the Dance is an ally of the Happies. His power is such that he never tires of dancing, which he uses to lure his enemies into dance competitions that rage for days until they inevitably collapse of exhaustion. Dub Dub was once a vain practitioner of the dance, seeking only to advance his own reputation. Flambytoes showed him the error of his ways and from then on, Dub Dub has been an upright individual. His emoticon is naturally :P.
King Giffle the Sad Monarch is ruler of a large realm yet still he is constantly plagued by the belief that his countrymen secretly hate him. Living in fear of being disliked, he never makes any decrees nor does he arbitrate in any matters. Instead, King Giffle stays holed up in his castle, sulking and wondering why people hate him. In truth, his subjects do not hate him and think he is a considerate if ineffective king. In some aspects, King Giffle could be compared to Ukhed because of his brooding. The difference however is that Ukhed blames others for his predicament while King Giffle is always introspective. The emoticon of King Giffle is :<.
Wumbley the Captain of the Indifferent Pirates is not a seeker of adventure, though he likes such monikers. He leads his band of pirates from island to island with the constant promise of treasure and mischief-making. Every time the opportunity arises, however, Captain Wumbley decides to take a nap instead. Usually his men decide to go off without him, which Wumbley does not mind as much as he pretends to. Fiercely independent but without motivation, Captain Wumbley and his pirates could be considered allies of the Angries but they are far too undependable. His emoticon is :l.
Roarlor the Hideous Swamp Creature lives in a swamp close to the high seas. Although he is a solitary creature, Roarlor is nonetheless a kind being and a friend of the Happies. He is also quite powerful, especially in the swamp where he camouflages with the green plant matter. On rare occasion, Roarlor will leave the swamp to help his allies. When he does, his appearance usually scares the denizens of the land of Sies. He has even caught Mooflor the Scary off-guard and scared him. As scaring people is never Roarlor’s intention, he mostly stays in the peace and comfort of his own swamp. Roarlor was designed Ryan Herriman. His emoticon is 87.
The Road Got Easier
As a wanderer, I traveled the world outside my home
walking the road to it’s end.
At first the road was hard and lonely until I found a friend.
I sat with him while the embers burned and warmed my soul
within the homely abode.
Prepared again for the world outside, I took the wayward road
Yet when the sun sank down and cold set in, the way had been lost.
So on a stone I sat and thought
How once I shared the shelter but currently did not
In that moment of true despair, I finally made my peace.
Finding an abode in my own,
I remembered my friend, I remembered my home.
饿鬼
When in hell, your only salvation is to know you are an 饿鬼.
Maybe then you would not cling to the breaking string that climbs to distant heaven.
Through what unimaginable odds would you have to endure until every 饿鬼, patient as yourself, waited for hell to empty up that string?
And if the string broke for the last one, your only salvation is to know you are an 饿鬼.
My contemplation of the short story, the Spider’s Thread.
Actaeon’s Haven
Anger, jealousy, resentment. All these things I have felt as I suffer through a world of two duals. To get the more favorable outcome only gives me temporary solace as I am drawn deeper into a game with no ultimate win. Yet to lose this game can be strangely liberating.
I am Actaeon. I have reached for the boon and have been destroyed. Now in my obliteration, looking only at the world as it is without any wish for something different, I am happy. I can smile at things for what they are. My mind is at peace. Yet the moment is brief. In a blink, I will again be playing, winning, losing, and returning here: Actaeon’s Haven.
Palau Haikus
zen flute bird whistles calmly;
and lights the dark way.
but shark glides effortlessly.
He minds his nature.
I would be one forever,
ocean is lonely.
I joke but I’m real in dream:
Lebuu the Hero.
Photo Credits
Boy in the Bathroom
A little black boy was in the back bathroom of my house. At first, I thought he was trying to steal something so I called my dad. Dad was very upset and started yelling loudly. I just wanted to hear the boy’s story so I tried to reason with dad to stop yelling and let the boy speak. Still he kept on yelling. I asked the boy what his name was and he said, “Daniel”. I said, “What a coincidence that’s my name too”. Then I noticed he wasn’t taking anything at all. He had a piece of paper with Holy Scripture on it.
The Boogar Chronicles 
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