On Marrying a Chinese Woman

Daniel and Haiying in Shenzhen, 2006

In the summer of 2006, I went on a Study Abroad Program in China which changed the course of my life. The first Friday night of my stay at Ren Min University, I was casually walking the school grounds when I came across a square where many people noisily conversed. As I approached, I realized everyone was speaking English. It turned out to be a weekly event called English Corner, a time when people would come and practice speaking English with each other. Naturally a laowai like myself drew a big crowd. I felt like a celebrity with all the students gathered around me asking me questions. After several minutes, I noticed a beautiful girl in the back who was listening and not asking many questions. I felt bold so I started talking to her. Our conversation went something to the effect of, “Hi, what’s your name?”

“My name is Sea Eagle. My English teacher suggested Heidi but I thought that was too old fashioned so I translated my name by myself.”

“Oh… Sea Eagle… That is an interesting name.”

We kept talking for another hour and exchanged email addresses. Then she left and I scolded myself for not offering to walk her home or asking for her phone number. Fate was on my side because she returned to tell me that she could not read my handwriting. Having been given the second chance, I then offered to walk her home. And the rest is history.

Daniel and Haiying with her family in Liangping, 2011

The real purpose of this blog post actually is to describe my thoughts and lessons learned on international relationships. This post is based on my own experiences married to a Chinese woman.  It in no way reflects every international relationship.

Firstly I think that I was predisposed to seek love in a foreign land. I am attracted to difference. Different appearance, different culture, different language, all of these aspects intrigue and excite me. I also think that such a kind of love is a positive and important influence on humanity because it brings communities closer.

While differences can be exciting and provide a great impulse during the formation of an international relationship, they become challenging as you grow more accustomed to each other. As an example, in China serving food to guests is simply good manners. With my own family, however, this is never done. I don’t know if other American families do this but we don’t. It’s not that we don’t care about guests. We just trust that they will serve themselves whatever food they want to eat. So when I am eating food with my family in China, I am uncomfortable being served. Sometimes I will try to tell people I don’t want any more, “bu yao xie xie,”.  I do it even when I am not full because I prefer to serve myself.  This is just one example where cultural differences can be uncomfortable or lead to disagreements. Other examples include what is acceptable humor, gift giving customs, and child rearing.

Another aspect of international relationships that is difficult is the distance. You spend months only able to communicate on the computer or over the phone. When your unhappy, you can’t feel each other which makes comforting each other especially hard. My wife equated it to tending a fire. When you are close, the fire burns very hot. When you are apart, it cools down and only the glowing embers remain.

Daniel and Haiying in Liangping, 2011

My advice on surviving the dangerous long distance phase of the relationship is to always have a plan about the next time you are going to see each other as well as how you eventually be together. Having a plan can reduce the inevitable feelings of worry, hopelessness and loneliness which shake your resolve. My wife and I endured more than five years living in different countries. Having plans was what kept us going.

A more subtle problem with the long distance is that you never really get to experience what life with the other person is like. You grow comfortable in having autonomy while also having that warm feeling that someone in the world cares about you. When you finally are living together, married life can be an abrupt end to that autonomy.

Finally, there are a lot of negative stereotypes that can impact an international relationship. In my case, I am a white man and my wife is an Asian woman. There is a bias that white men seek Asian women for exotic pleasure (the dragon lady) or because they are submissive (the china doll). Sadly I have met many such men in my travels. At the same time, Asian women are seen as seeking nothing more than wealth from their relationships with foreigners. My wife was accused of as much by a United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) agent during her first interview for a visa to come to the United States.

Daniel, Haiying, and Arthur in Tempe, Arizona, 2013

International relationships have their up’s and down’s just like any other relationship. If you can navigate the cultural differences and the hard logistics questions, international relationships can be immensely rewarding and will expand your horizons. My wife and I have known each other for seven years now and been married for three. One year ago, our lives were blessed with a little baby boy. I hope our little family can be healthy and strong for the rest of our lives. I wish the same thing for everyone.

Sino-Boogarian Doodles

Kung Fu Master

This post is about my current style of doodling, which has been heavily influenced by Chinese characters.  The story begins in 2004 when I first started to study the Chinese language.  I was attracted to Chinese primarily because of its written characters.  They are visually appealing to me because they are glyphs.  Each character has an intrinsic meaning unlike the letters of the English alphabet that need to be combined to form words.  You can literally see the meaning of some characters.  Some examples are: 木，火，山，手 (wood, fire, mountain, and hand, respectively).  Other characters have patterns which suggest their meaning.  For instance, three dots on the left side of a word suggests a meaning related to water or fluidity.  Some examples are: 酒，海，渴，流 (alcohol, sea, thirsty, and flow, respectively).  The symmetry and shapes of Chinese characters really speak to me.  The more complicated the character, the more I like it.  Perhaps for this reason, I chose the Chinese name 钱达友.

Volcano

Let me stop here to disclaim that I do not think I write beautiful Chinese characters.  In fact, most Chinese probably would look at my characters and recognize right away that they were written by a foreigner and/or a small child.  However after writing thousands or tens of thousands of characters I began to get a sense of the atomic parts of each character.  As I acquired this knowledge, my doodling began to evolve and incorporate the strokes used in writing Chinese.

Let me stop again to disclaim that I almost used the word “draw” just now, when what I really mean is “write”.  This is a common mistake that Chinese students will say.  Indeed I do feel like I am drawing when I write Chinese.  Maybe that is what I find so enjoyable about it.  I’m not writing an essay, I’m drawing pictures!

So anyway, my doodles changed.  I guess there is not much more to say about that, for now. Throughout this post, you can see some examples.  The rest of this post will be on some back story of each doodle and my vision for them in the future.

Fincon Master (the Hexacant)

The Fincon Master, also known as the Hexacant, is an evil magician who lived long ago.  His powers were such that he could control the Fincons, small flying menaces that individually were not dangerous, but in swarms could devour entire armies.  For a time, the Hexacant was revered by his people and his wrongdoings went unnoticed.  His injustices were eventually outed by a young man who would later become the Chief.  The Hexacant fled into the caves where few would follow.  He journeyed deep into the earth pursuing arcane knowledge.  In the lair of the Borchax, he met his doom.  Ages later, a group of adventurers would undertake a perilous mission to recover his body and restore him to life.  The mission would cost all of them their lives.  But that is another story.

Hut

Deep in the jungles of the Shadow Island, there was a hut that few had ever found, and fewer yet had ever approached.  It sat on a raised wooden platform and was ringed by the heads of seafarers who were unfortunate enough to be marooned on that island.  The denizen of the hut was the steward of the island’s one lake, a portal to the land of the dead.  Everyday the lake’s waters restored it’s guardian’s to youth.  This blessing came also with a curse which caused the guardian to live in constant fear and suspicion.  For their reign lasted only as long as they were not slain by the next steward, in the same manner by which they had inherited the position.

Elementalist

The Elementalists are worshipers of fire in all its forms, the highest of which are the stars of the heavens.  For this reason, they are sky watchers, tracking the movements of all the stellar objects.  The Elementalists believe the future is written into the stars.  Their astronomers are said to predict future events by tracing the constellations and chanting aloud.  In actuality this tradition is one of story telling: the greatest bards inspire claims of divination because they have internalized the stories in all their forms.  The eyes of an Elementalist have their own magical properties.  They are imbued with the fire of sight, giving them the ability to see in the dark.  They can also read the magical runes of the Elementalists which are invisible to laymen.

Adventurer

So what is my vision for all of this anyway? Well as you might have read, I do have lots of loose story elements and random doodles.  I hope to someday compile these tidbits into a full length novel (or at least a compilation of short stories which form the basis for a mythological universe).  Eventually, I would also like to design a role-playing game around these elements.  I hope you enjoyed them.

Sources:

Zhongwen.com – Awesome Chinese resource

The King of Nemi – I shamelessly ripped this motif.

Pipa

Rustic pipa wails a lonely tune.

I cry because that is who I am.

Flowing. Lonely. Fleeting. Now gone.

Was there not some freedom between those sacred frequencies?

Or was it only suffocated by the surrounding silence.